Love and Respect

Here is a great book that I read on my vacation. I would highly recommend it to any couple that is looking for a deeper way to connect with each other.

There is a lot of practical information and ideas in the book but the most powerful part was the accurate correlations that Dr. Eggerichs draws between the husband/wife relationship and the Christ/church relationship. If this concept can sink into our brains it would surely revolutionize our marriages.

I linked the website to the cover photo. Check it out and let me know what you think!

Learning from a Crash Test Dummy

I think marriage can look a lot like a crash test at times. Have you ever imaged what the first few moments of being a crash test dummy are like? You know actually it could be considered to be quite nice… at first.

Restfully positioned and strapped into a brand new car - Air conditioning on – temperature perfect, favorite station on, leather seat adjusted just right, that wonderful “new car” smell in your nostrils. Wow, You know life doesn’t seem so bad for those decked out with yellow and black cranial tattoos.

They don’t seem to be too concerned for what is about to happen. Probably because they don’t actually have a brain. Warning them of what is about to happen is well …futile. Expecting them to be prepared for the road ahead is well…..dreaming.

Ignorantly they smoothly glide towards their future……. Blam! Barracade Impact!

I must confess that I am a recovered crash test dummy. I like my brainless friends didn’t see much coming at me until the impacts. Then frantically I tried to figure out what just happened and why. How much better would it have been if I had sought out an experienced crash test dummy to learn from prior to life’s marital collisions?

I guess I simply considered myself immune to such things. I let my pride and my arrogance keep me from seeking wisdom.

The advice this crash test dummy has is to find a couple that has successfully lived through the impacts of life and let their experience, their understanding, and their wisdom strengthen and inspire your marriage. Find a godly couple that will be a marriage mentor to you.

Learn from a couple of crash test dummies. Don’t become one!

Free at Last

I heard a statement this week that really got me thinking about freedom, true freedom. Coincidentally, we are coming up on July 4th weekend so it seemed like an appropriate thing to blog about. Here was the statement, and is was in reference to trust and marriage:

"I don't even feel FREE in my own house!"

Wow, to hear a statement like that is a sure sign of some deep seeded frustration and pain. As I thought about this I realized that freedom, like so many other good things from God, has been perverted by the world. When Christ followers claim that they don't have any freedom they have strayed from the truth. In this context, the word freedom has been used to justify rebellion from our commitments to God, spouse, children, etc.

What is the TRUTH, what is the nature of TRUE FREEDOM? Paul tells us in Romans 8.

"1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because, through Christ Jesus, the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death."

Is freedom really the ability to selfishly run off and do whatever we want, whatever pleases us? Is it the right to peruse happiness for the sake of building a life of comfort and ease? Not hardly! Freedom is the privilege of resting in the sovereignty of the creator of the universe, knowing that whatever comes He has rescued you from death and will never forsake you.

As usual, with God, our thinking must be turned upside down. For example, in our marriage Ashley and I have great freedom. We both feel secure, loved and cherished. Why? Well partly because we have chosen to live with restrictions, to limit our "FREEDOMS". We make sure to tell each other where we are going, we don't spend a lot of money without discussing it with each other and we have committed our hearts to one another exclusively. These are only a few ways that we choose to limit ourselves for the sake of our relationship. Choosing to live by rules has opened up our marriage to a whole new level of intimacy and closeness. That is the type Peace and Freedom that my heart craves.

Likewise with God, should we choose to rebel and run from Him in the name of freedom we are doomed to a life of struggle that is hopeless at best. If we choose to submit to Him and abide in Him we are granted ultimate freedom, even freedom from the consequences of our sin.

"21 ... that the creation itself will be liberated from it's bondage and decay and brought into the GLORIOUS FREEDOM of the children of God."

My prayer today is that I will fight against my selfish desires and that God, though His Spirit, will grant me strength and victory over sin. That I would more fully see His love and glory in the way He choose to limit Himself by putting on flesh and winning TRUE FREEDOM on our behalf.

Unshakeable! Seriously?

Do you find yourself given the times we live in seeing the title "Unshakeable Marriage"and at least pause with some form of disbelief?

Come on, look around, marriages are falling apart every where and at every level of society - Including Christian marriages! Unshakeable marriages are a great and lofty concept but not a certainty in today's "real life".

Well, I may be going out on a limb here, but I believe Jesus would strongly disagree with that observation. I believe He would pin point one simple concept and guarantee "unshakeably". And I believe He would start with one very simple, focused question.

"Why do you call Me, 'Lord, Lord' and do not do what I say?" Luke 6:46 NASB

When I read those words they took my breath away a bit. I like to think of myself as a faithful disciple of Jesus Christ. But, if I'm honest, many times I have chosen to seek my own solutions to problems and didn't want to do what I knew the scriptures commanded. I would rather act on my desires and emotions than the words of Jesus Christ.

"Everyone who comes to Me and hears My words and acts on them, I will show you whom he is like:

he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid a foundation on the rock, and when a flood occured, the torrent burst against the house and could not shake it, because it was well built.

But the one who has heard and has not acted accordingly, is like the man who built a house on the ground without any foundation; and the torrent burst against it and immediately it collasped, and the ruin of that house was great." Luke 6:47-49 NASB

The simple, focused truth is that if we do not act according to the words of Christ, and chose to ignore them we will collasp during the storms of life.

If we hear His words and act on them - our marriages are "Unshakeable"

The Older I Get

The older I get the less I seem to know. Am I growing dumber and dumber by the year? Wait, don't answer that. I prefer to think of it as growing in humility. I have a much greater awareness of myself and my flaws as my experience broadens. My personal burden is one of selfishness. In reality +90% of my day is spent thinking of myself, when will I eat next, did I make a good impression, were they laughing at me, get the picture?

Why am I telling you this? Well, here's the rub, in a marriage relationship selfishness is the great divider. We get prideful, hurt and even downright angry when we don't get what we think we deserve from our spouse. I have to continually ask myself "what do I really deserve?" Based on my own merit, I don't deserve the sacrifice Christ made for me, I don't deserve the magnificent wife He's blessed me with or my health and the list goes on and on. It boils down to a lack of TRUST. A lack of faith that my Heavenly Father knows what's best and will provide for my needs...and much more.

I am convinced that God is using my wife to shape me and mould me into the likeness of Christ. He does it in a way that's beyond my comprehension. He has given me more than I deserve, loved me without limit and blessed me with a wife that does the same. He is in the process of turning my heart away from myself and toward my wife. He is breaking me in the most loving way. The question is, how far will I let Him in. Will I keep God at bay in my marriage or allow Him to transform me from the inside out? Transform my relationships at home, work and with my kids. If I am willing to let God work through me in humility and grace it could change everything, could it not? My prayer is for God to instill in me an increased dependence on Him, one that will allow me to love and be loved in a way that will bring Him the most glory possible out of my small life.

Because I Love You...

Ashley and I are trying a new marriage building game. "Because I Love You". I linked to the instructions below. It should be fun, we'll let you know how it goes.

My Dad's Advice

This letter of advice was given to me by my dad just before I was married back in 1997. My parents have been happily married for almost 40 years and they have been an inspiration to Ashley and I in our own marriage. These words of wisdom from him are like gold. I thought I'd share.

Andy, Your Dad’s Advice

Talk! Talk! Talk about every thing with Ashley and respect each others opinion, and use each others areas of expertise. Together you will be an unbeatable team!

Don’t ever complain about your wife to your friends about little or big things, it gives others the wrong impression about your marriage and relationship.

Money! Agree on how to spend it . Make a budget together so you are in total agreement about where your priorities are. Decide how much to spend without discussion.

Complaining! A little goes a long way. Don’t fall into the trap of making complaining a major topic of conversation. Don’t go to work some where for 8 hrs a day then spend the first hour together complaining about it. Be a positive person! Change what needs changing, fix what you can fix, understand the realities of a situation then, comment on it, learn to live with it, or take yourself out of the situation. Complaining is counter-productive.

If something bothers you about your wife, discuss it with her, that is, only IF it is something you can’t live with. Remember, you did not marry her to change her. You fell in love with here the way she is.

Have a real date at least once every other week. I mean something alone. People get too wrapped up in their groups and don’t make the time for each other. In most group activities you really are not getting much time together.

Keep the romance in your marriage! One minor part of that is giving each other a little privacy, for example, bathroom privacy. How romantic is it for your wife to see you go to the bathroom.

Kids will change everything. Get to know each other well first. One major change in your life at a time is enough, although not always possible. Kids will be fun, but much work. You really have to work a team with the kids, give each other a break for a few minutes each day. You will have to devote yourselves to your Kids, but don’t for get your date! You start out just the two of you and you will end up again that way, so keep your personal relationship alive and well while you go through the other parts of your life.

Don’t embarrass her in front of friends or family. This could be an embarrassing story that you could choose not to tell, or choosing to discreetly help her avoid a potentially embarrassing situation, even though it could seem funny on one level. Make the distinction between funny and embarrassing. It is an important one.

Always be the person, do the things and say the things, that Ashley can be proud of when she thinks of you.

Always be the one person Ashley can trust any situation and never do anything to shake that trust.

Don’t keep secrets! Don’t let some one tell you something that you can’t tell Ashley! Tell them, of course you don’t mean my wife.

You two will be as one against the world!

Love, Dad